Nia, this is beautifully honest — and painfully familiar. It’s strange how we can learn to disappear in plain sight, how the world applauds our “strength” when really we’re just holding our breath.
Your words reminded me that emotional numbness isn’t the absence of feeling, but the cost of surviving for too long.
What you wrote is not a confession but a beginning — a quiet permission to step back into your own life. And the fact that you’re able to name this so clearly means you’re already closer to yourself than you think.
Thank you for sharing something so human. It reaches more hearts than you know.
"I’ve always believed I was never traumatized, not in the big way. But maybe there were tiny traumas, little cuts that piled up over the years until they slowly ate away at my voice."
Thinking similarly about the normal childhood and youth I believe I've had, the one that probably wasn't that normal at all.
Hi Nia, your piece reminded me of a recent interview by Esquire with Jason Bateman, who starting acting at 10 years of age. He said how he was conditioned to be a liar, as part of his training, to be a good actor, and that it turned into a lifelong quest - who am I really?
I've been feeling a little muted too although I think that's mainly a result of being consistently underwhelmed by things. But I would say that focusing on "little traumas" is unproductive because they'll keep you swirling the vortex of your faults, injuries, inadequacies, etc. perpetually. Unless action can effect better circumstances and well-being from reflecting upon them, otherwise they are merely a trap.
Next I think that filtering your thoughts is just a casualty of the digital age. A singular negative moment can reshape one's social landscape far more radically than previously. But unless you have actually radical/controversial opinions on things or some significant trauma, which you have implicitly denied, I frankly don't think most people are going to reject you.
Finally, I think focusing too much on the "true self" is a rabbit hole with no end. Too much pondering of "is this who I really am?" will leave you with a headache and confusion from how kaleidoscopic in nature the self is.
Hide and seek is a good way to place it - I’ve used the term being a chameleon. I talked with a friend recently - maybe I’m too people pleasing. If I’m charming, it’s because I know how to be likable. Or maybe I am just likable. Is it both? One? Am i suppressing something? Am I making this more complicated than it is? Am I allowed to just be?
It’s confusing. I’m trying to separate what’s my true intention versus what is sourced from people pleasing. Unless people pleasing isn’t as villainous as we’ve made it out to be - to want to be good. To not want to let the sad or darker parts surface in my day to days. It could be avoidant, a soon to be avalanche once it catches speed…. or maybe we are too hard on ourselves?
I’m not sure Nia. But I can understand the feeling.
Nia, I felt this in my soul. A contradiction that I have walked for many years. Questions I ask myself void of answers. This adventure of thought alone shows you are beginning to feel again.
That’s why I started writing myself to explore meaning and who I am through it. I hope we both find a destination in which we are at peace with ourselves and can feel the vibrancy of life again.
Nia, this is beautifully honest — and painfully familiar. It’s strange how we can learn to disappear in plain sight, how the world applauds our “strength” when really we’re just holding our breath.
Your words reminded me that emotional numbness isn’t the absence of feeling, but the cost of surviving for too long.
What you wrote is not a confession but a beginning — a quiet permission to step back into your own life. And the fact that you’re able to name this so clearly means you’re already closer to yourself than you think.
Thank you for sharing something so human. It reaches more hearts than you know.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on it and your support ☺️
beautifully vulnerable piece! thanks for sharing with us🫶🏻
thank you for your support 🥰
"I’ve always believed I was never traumatized, not in the big way. But maybe there were tiny traumas, little cuts that piled up over the years until they slowly ate away at my voice."
Thinking similarly about the normal childhood and youth I believe I've had, the one that probably wasn't that normal at all.
Hi Nia, your piece reminded me of a recent interview by Esquire with Jason Bateman, who starting acting at 10 years of age. He said how he was conditioned to be a liar, as part of his training, to be a good actor, and that it turned into a lifelong quest - who am I really?
I've been feeling a little muted too although I think that's mainly a result of being consistently underwhelmed by things. But I would say that focusing on "little traumas" is unproductive because they'll keep you swirling the vortex of your faults, injuries, inadequacies, etc. perpetually. Unless action can effect better circumstances and well-being from reflecting upon them, otherwise they are merely a trap.
Next I think that filtering your thoughts is just a casualty of the digital age. A singular negative moment can reshape one's social landscape far more radically than previously. But unless you have actually radical/controversial opinions on things or some significant trauma, which you have implicitly denied, I frankly don't think most people are going to reject you.
Finally, I think focusing too much on the "true self" is a rabbit hole with no end. Too much pondering of "is this who I really am?" will leave you with a headache and confusion from how kaleidoscopic in nature the self is.
Hope you find this helpful. Have a good day.
This is a gorgeous piece. I am so glad Subsack brought me to your work.
Hide and seek is a good way to place it - I’ve used the term being a chameleon. I talked with a friend recently - maybe I’m too people pleasing. If I’m charming, it’s because I know how to be likable. Or maybe I am just likable. Is it both? One? Am i suppressing something? Am I making this more complicated than it is? Am I allowed to just be?
It’s confusing. I’m trying to separate what’s my true intention versus what is sourced from people pleasing. Unless people pleasing isn’t as villainous as we’ve made it out to be - to want to be good. To not want to let the sad or darker parts surface in my day to days. It could be avoidant, a soon to be avalanche once it catches speed…. or maybe we are too hard on ourselves?
I’m not sure Nia. But I can understand the feeling.
🥲🖤💜 Definitely a new subscriber!
Fantastically vulnerable, confessional, and a beautiful piece of writing. Thank you for sharing :)
You deserve to treat yourself the way you’d treat a best friend 💕
I like how you honestly reflect yourself. May you find a way to open your heart again
This is so relatable, and it's definitely a journey to unlearn all the shame of simply existing and letting people see you for who you are.
Very honest piece. I enjoyed reading.
Nia, I felt this in my soul. A contradiction that I have walked for many years. Questions I ask myself void of answers. This adventure of thought alone shows you are beginning to feel again.
That’s why I started writing myself to explore meaning and who I am through it. I hope we both find a destination in which we are at peace with ourselves and can feel the vibrancy of life again.
Truly a beautiful piece.
This is very good. I’m a fan now.
thank you for being so raw with us. ✨❤️